Watching from a moving screen, playing too fast for me to catch every scene. Struggle, faithfulness, heartbreak, healing, love. Lots and lots of love. I feel like I’m on the outside peering into my life as if it was a film. Locked in a pale room with 4 white walls, missing it. Missing all the little moments that make me love my life. Missing rocking the baby to sleep, relationships with my family, my dad’s birthday, brothers ball games, sister’s life, time with people who won’t be here much longer, watering my flowers, watching the sun sink behind the water, loving people. 

I’m missing all this for you Father and it hurts. Nothing compared to what You did for me Jesus but it still hurts. You tell me that I must die with you and sacrifice my life to live the one You have for me and here I am at Your feet with nothing left. Here I am running head down into the life You called me to but I’m missing what I love. You’ve changed my heart completely to love You deeper but it aches to be able to slow down. You’ve called me to be a nurse, to care for Your children and love them like You do, no doubt in my soul, but it’s hard sometimes when I feel like I can’t even love the people right beside me. I feel disconnected, discontinued from an easy life. I feel left behind. I know I’m not. I know the plans You have for me are growing bigger and bigger by the second and I’m ready for them but it’s tough sometimes wanting You. 

Everyone’s life moving on but mine. House plans. Every detail laid out. Bigger, bigger ,bigger. I don’t want a house I want to be Your house Father. Your dwelling place drenched in your presence. Wedding plans. I dream of a wedding one day but as for now I am your bride Jesus and I will live my life as if I’m married to you. Staying here living a life with a big house with a white picket fence. I don’t want it. I don’t want a settled life. You’ve called me to places far beyond these borders. To have a family full of missing pieces, babies that I get to love and call my own that you will give me. Compromise, a word I refuse to accept even if everyone thinks I am out of my mind. Well, I am out of my mind because I’m into Yours. All these things Jesus how do I tell people that I love their life but that mine won’t look like theirs and that’s okay.

One day soon I’ll be out from behind the screen and written back into the script of my life but for now I have to patiently watch from the outside as everyone else passes me by. You’re preparing me Father for a life You’ve called me to, a life of no script just action. I love You and I trust that this will all be worth it soon.