The night new. My chest rises and falls in unison with the Earth. My thoughts few and far between. The moon casts a shadow on the white walls of this tiny room. I try to process as tears pour from my eyes.
Heart broken, confused, wondering why You would make these big promises that you can’t seem to keep. Screaming and crying after pouring my life into this. Betrayal and lies is what I thought You were full of. Silence. Why won’t You speak to me like You’ve done so many times before. Anger, something I don’t feel a lot of, came rushing in at that very moment. How can You call Yourself good when the one thing I long for seems to crumble between my fingers? How can You tell me to trust You, then let me down? How can You promise me these things, then I melt as I watch my dreams go up in flames? You tell me Your good, You tell me to trust You, You tell me my promises are coming, but where? Where is Your hand in all of this? One word and You could change it all, but You don’t say a thing. You watch as I cry out in agony as I beg for an answer as to how could You be so cruel.
Questions go unanswered. Resentment grew in the place of my naive faith. I couldn’t look at You in the eye. My heart absolutely shattered, crushed. I just wanted answers. I just wanted You to show up and, You didn’t. I just wanted to hear Your voice, but I didn’t. I just wanted to feel something, but I didn’t. I wanted so badly to be able to serve You here, this way, in this very moment, but You said “wait.” I hated wait. Waiting on You, bearing the weight of eternity, waiting on Your plans, oh how much everything weighed.
Time stood still as I stood at Your feet, my head hung low, my heart shattered. I fell to my knees and with all the strength I had left, I whispered between the gasps of air and tears burning my cheeks “It’s not about me is it? It’s about You. It’s about Your plan, and Your timing, and what You have for me. It’s about how close I’ve drawn to You and how many times I’ve questioned if You’re still good, isn’t it. It’s about Your silence speaking louder than any words ever could. It’s about discovering Your heart. It’s about losing myself and finding You, finding myself in You. It’s always been about You, but oh how bad I want it to be about me. I need You Father and You’ve said nothing but wait, so here I am waiting.”
“My sweet little love. Oh how close you’ve drawn to Me. I’ve heard every question. I’ve wiped every tear from your face while you were screaming in Mine, questioning if I’m still here. Shaking your fist and demanding an answer to if I can hear you, if I can see you, if I even care about what’s crushing you. It’s been Me. It’s always been Me. Every moment I was there and for every moment after, I’ll be there. Do the flowers not prepare for spring even though the winter’s long, do they not bloom and trust that the sun will rise with each new morning? Do the sparrows not build a nest for a family they have not yet seen? Do the songs birds not sing even though no one will hear them but Me? Does My creation not sit on the edge of it’s seat, watching the skies, waiting for My return? Do they not trust that the creator of all things holds them in the palm of His hand? Do the mountains not reach towards the heavens looking to Me? Do the depths of the seas, that no ones sees, still not echo My voice? Do the planets not hang suspended in the vast nothingness making a beautiful collage just for My eyes to see because I commanded them to? Does My creation not exist to worship Me in all seasons despite how they feel? Spring, summer, fall, and winter, each a new side of My face that the world has not yet seen.”
“Sweet child of mine, I know what will draw you close to Me. I know that the flowers I planted outside your window seal would catch your eye because your heart longs for the Garden, for communion with Me. That allowing your plans to slip through your fingers would make you look up and see that the plans I hold for you are far greater than anything you could have tried to piece together. That failure in your eyes is only growth in Mine. That all the nights the moon shown on your face as you wailed, could never compare to the joy that was coming in the morning. All of Heaven has been dancing over you since the day you were born. Watching, waiting, wondering when you would lock eyes with Me so we could all dance together for all eternity. I have never left you. I will never leave you. I am the breath you breathe, your every breath sings Yahweh. You My dear are My greatest masterpiece living in the most beautiful covenant.
Your promises have come. Your truths unfold right in front of me. You not only have given all things back, but you’ve given them back 10 fold. You and I are inseparable. I have never felt more loved that I do right now. Not because I’m on the other side of the promise or because of the blessings I have received, but because I have seen Your heart. Your heart is kind, Your heart is for Your children. You love me so much that You let me feel every bit of disappointment and heartbreak. You let me feel crushed and broken. You let me feel true love and joy. You let me feel it all so deeply so my heart can become just like Yours. So that I could feel the things You feel. So that I could feel how badly you long for Your children. So I could feel how much Your heart breaks over them. So I could feel just a sliver of how much love You have for your creation. So I could live my life calling Your children home. So I could live my life in pursuit of the heart of my Father.
